Yesterday I spent the morning with several hundred executives and managers talking about their personal health and happiness. Their interest and attention was intense. In the past ten years, global business has turned into a 24/7/365 war. Competition is ferocious and change roars at us in a never-ending torrent. The price we pay is being always overstimulated, first by external stress and second by internal churning over how to create some genuine harmony between our work, our relationships, and our spirits.
In many ways, it seems, we have become great at creating a hollow world with a shell of possessions, achievements and debt, and a core of empty anxiety. Strangely, we keep investing ourselves by adding glitter to the shell, hoping it will compensate for the cold and drafty core. So many of us, it seems, are hypnotized by things that matter less, while the things that matter most are ignored.
I do not blame the victims of this crazy system. I feel nothing but compassion, and I do my best to offer the new tools of brain science, and the insight of the masses from new research on the causes of human happiness, to the thirsty runners daily sprinting in the race of business.
This brings me to yesterday’s insight.
One of the major skills we teach managers and leaders is how to more efficiently achieve tangible goals. Focus and feedback. These are major emphases of everyone’s workday in a high-performing workplace. That’s because getting the right things done is critical. “Mission-critical,” as they say.
But what strikes me is how ill-suited this skill is with our love relationships at home.
The people we love want us to listen and affirm them. They want us to be gentle, patient and encouraging. They want us to accept them for their intrinsic goodness, and constantly overlook their quirks and unpolished bits.
In many ways, the quality of our love rests on our ability to love, encourage, and root for the people we love in spite of their weaknesses. When we deeply love, we see through the stupid stuff to the genuine, tender goodness of our friends, spouses, partners and children.
At work, however, great management is all about feedback, direction, development and giving candid performance reviews. Too often, I see that the skills of hard-driving leaders are misemployed at home, and end up alienating loved ones.
But enriching personal relationships are not about results. They’re about the relationship.
It’s not about extrinsic performance; it’s about intrinsic connection.
When people at home are not doing what we want them to, instead of trying to manage them like an employee, we might consider investing in the quality of the relationship. Doing some very un-business-like things. Like wasting time together, listening without judgment, and genuinely affirming anything and everything you like or admire, down to the tiny personal details you refuse to take for granted.
Real life is not a business. Real life is love. It always has been. And, thankfully, always will be.
What does it take to live a better life? Action! Nothing will change until you do something. Sign up for ThoughtRocket’s daily challenges and see action ignite your life. Scientific research and practical inspiration are fused together in quick, powerful messages sent to your email three times a week. Click here to subscribe, or visit ThoughtRocket.com to learn more.
…beautifully expressed Will!
Though deeply flawed, we still need non-judgement, acceptance and simple kindness. More than ever, we need to give every day the human gifts of the soul that we ourselves crave. Kahil Gibran said, “I drink the water and the water drinks me”.