There are five common regrets people express before they die. That’s the message of a new book written by a hospice nurse named Bonnie Ware. The first regret is perhaps the most potent.
Regret #1: “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me.”
This is not surprising. It is the common advice given by seasoned, older folks to their grandchildren. It’s good for sure.
I’m just not so sure that simply living out loud by “Carpe Diem-ing” your way through life is the answer. Seizing every day can be a fancy excuse for letting go of your impulse controls.
Our American Dream Project research reveals a path to much deeper satisfaction than what you can get by just declaring your current emotion and following your bliss. If we look at people who are deeply satisfied with their lives, we get a much richer picture than just being jolted by the electricity of deathbed regrets.
It seems that deeply satisfied people spend a great deal of time reflecting on what being “true to oneself” really means. They come to a clear understanding of what choices make them feel stronger, happier, and give them a sense of inner dignity and self-respect.
Sometimes those choices require being quiet and patient, while in other circumstances our essential selves ask us to express our convictions, ask for what we want, and be impatient for things to change. Wisdom is the judgment to know when our personal integrity is served though silence and when our courageous voice is required.
Gaining that wisdom takes both self-examination and an openness to feedback. It requires us to reflect on what we do when we get what we deeply desire and what we do when we cause life to explode in our face.
Getting back to Regret #1, if we lived many decades into adulthood without investing our time and effort to gain self-wisdom, it seems to me we might be missing our essential reason for this entire experience we call human life.
These days, I am doing a lot of leadership coaching, as well as career counseling. It is always revealing because so much of our deep dysfunction comes from a lack of soul-awareness. We seem to be very aware of our superficial selves. I call this our “self-concept.”
A concept is an abstract idea. And we all have an idea about who we are and what we want. But research is clear that this self-generated idea of ourselves is seriously distorted. We see ourselves like we see the wavy pattern of a fun house mirror.
On the other hand, soul awareness is clarity about our “essential” selves. This is the you that is revealed when all our illusions of ourselves are shattered. People must often discover their essential selves through intense suffering. Concentration camp survivors are an extreme example. But personal suffering caused by illness, loss of a loved one, and betrayal all provide rich opportunity to see our own core. Most people begin to see themselves more clearly through meditation, reflection, and simply paying close attention to their authentic interests and reactions.
I’ve had a challenging personal journey that has given me ample opportunity to encounter my own inner “me-ness.” I can only report that it was the greatest liberation of my life. What I discovered is that when everything is lost—money, security, status, even love—we have infinite worth. Transcendent worth that is beyond all human expression.
My insight is that the way to be true to ourselves is not so much about quitting a dreary job and moving to Maui. It’s not so much about saying what we think in any emotional moment. It’s not about blowing up relationships that used to excite us but may have lost their zing.
Us being true is much more simple. It comes from knowing we have nothing to prove. There is nothing we can achieve that will validate our importance because our importance is beyond any achievement. There is no pleasure we can experience that will satisfy our longing for wholeness.
Instead, being true requires us to be attentive to the positive difference we can make moment to moment in our unique lives as we are living them. All of us have something unique to bring to the world we inhabit today. We have the capacity to make all work sacred and every human encounter enriching.
What I have learned is that we all have a difference to make right here. Right now. Our calling is to make our difference. As much as we can. As often as we can. When we do, we have no regrets. A friend of mine said our life’s purpose is to continuously discover and contribute our authentic best.
For me, that’s it. And that is very, very big.
What does it take to live a better life? Action! Nothing will change until you do something. Sign up for ThoughtRocket’s daily challenges and see action ignite your life. Scientific research and practical inspiration are fused together in quick, powerful messages sent to your email three times a week. Click here to subscribe, or visit ThoughtRocket.com to learn more.
Amen Will. All we have to do is keep that gnatty ego out of the way then BELIEVE and ACT!
Steve